The Arms of the Almighty

When I woke up it looked to be late afternoon;

I have no idea what happened, I opened my eyes and I saw the sand sift with each exhalation of my breath. I was lying facedown in a shed ... or barn … something of that sort and for a moment I believed I was back in my hometown of Ruhe;

I smelt smoke…. Smoke from munitions; it's acid tinge was heavy.. There was death in the air.

Each step I took made me aware of my body’s highly weakened state, soon it was followed by an intense craving for food. Wearily, I stepped out of the barn into the gloominess and blinked rapidly, my jaw open. The scene outside was radically different from what I was used to in 3 years of incarceration at Sepuika bay. There was blood and bodies everywhere, somewhere in the distance echoed the sound of automatic weapons.

It took a while for my brain to comprehend that Sepuika bay had been attacked and that I was free in one sense of the word. FREEDOM; the word should have suffused me with elation but instead only filled me with a sense of nothingness, an all pervading nihilism that surprised even me after all those years of hell. I looked down at my yellow jumpsuit and at the serial IM890123 printed on my chest and the sight of the number triggered memories of the horrors of the tortures, the executions and the perversity of Sepuika bay.

Overhead, a Garuda fighter screamed and I looked skyward in a moment of panic at the prospect of an incoming bomb. Funny thing about a camp like this, optimism tended to be a rare quality in all but the staunchest of minds. Foodddddddd ; my stomach screamed at me and the thought of an incoming cluster bomb was replaced by a craving for nourishment. I quickly scrambled to what I remembered used to be the cafeteria and prayed that the Alliance’s offense had spared it or that the Nagas had in their rush to escape (or before they were incinerated whichever came first, I dimly hoped it was the latter) had made it a low priority in the nature of evidence.

It was left standing…………….

I shoved open the door and was greeted by a shower of falling debris, wiping the dust from my face I stumbled to the kitchen and looked at what used to be the kitchen for us ‘Shudras’ , us ‘untouchables’ and I prayed that I could find some of the rough stale bread that was a staple of mine and my comrades diet for the last three years. I then saw with some surprise that the door to the kitchen of the camp officers was unlocked…

Could It be??? I asked myself, I did not believe in miracles even after the fact that the camp had been attacked and I was potentially free.

I walked in and saw what looked to be a cold pot of oatmeal and a plate with an omlette; I blinked twice…. This couldn't be I told myself. I ran to the table and took a big slurp of the oatmeal by the ladle; the omelets I grabbed like a tortilla and consumed 3/4th with one gigantic swallow. I kept swallowing ladlefuls of oatmeal until I remembered reading somewhere that after a period of starvation it was unwise to consume food in large quantities. Screw it!! I told myself and kept eating for what I assumed was a good one hour.

After washing down the best meal of my life with some water and tea; I felt a strange mix of renewed energy and foggy headedness. Draped over a chair was a hooded overcoat. I grabbed it and proceeded to walk out of the building.

Outside I heard explosions.. the ground vibrated; what happened here?

Birds of prey had swooped down to feed on the bodies and I looked at them with a dull detachment, Gajaman, Alexander, the annoying Rivera … they were all dead; their bodies riddled with holes. Many of the carcasses looked like they were in the process of being dragged into the 'cooker'; but something had interrupted the process. Intermingled with the bodies of my fellow 'Shudras' were the bodies of the camp guards and staff.

I should have smiled when I saw the bodies of the most savage bastards ever to live on this planet; men who shot our pregnant wives in the stomach while we pleaded with them for mercy, men who bludgeoned our elderly to death, laughing when hearing their frail bones snap. Men who used flamethrowers on the selected 'groups' to improve morale or 'remove' disease. These men were dead now and I did not give a damn…

Slowly I walked through the main gate of the camp; the sentry booth was charred, there was a lot of what looked to be semi solid blood and grey matter on the window as well as a bloody handprint. I gave it a cursory glance and continued my weary trudge outside.

I don't how long I walked the path; I just walked. There was no destination in mind, I just walked where the road took me. If I remembered correctly, Sepuika was on top of a hill and I knew eventually I would run into some sign of humanity.. Possibly our saviors.

Exhausted; I collapsed under a tree.

Saviors? Saviors for what? What was left in me to save? My family was dead, my girlfriend ….

Sasha! Dear Sasha.. Her large kohl streamed eyes.. Her long raven dark hair.. The gorgeous womanly scent of her that used to drive me wild …. Her laugh , full of joy and the mischievous half smile that always seemed to suggest she knew something you didn't. God I missed her; my heart lurched and I started gaining some feeling in the region, I was conscious of a stabbing pain.. like something had pierced my heart and wouldn't leave … Sasha was my everything, they had dragged her away from me and she did not cry! She didn't need to. She looked at me with those eyes, her jawbones pulsating with emotion and she kept watching until they pulled her into the transport. I remember screaming and then blacking out as a naga enforcer used his trishul to tase me into unconsciousness.

Sasha was dead; I knew it…….. False optimism was never one of my weaknesses ; The transport had been heading to Basilica and all the women there had been raped; at some point a mysterious plague had spread throughout the camp inmates and captors alike had been affected. The Nagas.. ...Ever efficient… had dropped a mini shunya bomb and killed everything within a 50 mile radius of the camp. The plague disappeared along with all souls; the news spread like wildfire in our camp.

This was one year ago; I remember that instance when I heard the news ... I was using a spade to do some unholy work for the Nagas when the news hit me; I died then….. Something collapsed in me and disintegrated into nothingness…. It was her face and the times that we spend together that had kept me going, kept me alive when the 'fever' hit our camp and wiped out about 40 % of us. It was her face that had kept me going through subzero temperatures braving frostbite and the thin pinpricks of shock all the way through my spine.

And she was dead. The vacuum in the innermost depths of my being was quickly filled with a vortex of hate; The promise of vengeance fuelled me and kept me alive now; I have always considered myself a passionate person and I could summon up emotions and keep them kindled to sustain me and give me a purpose and thus I lived. Those who weren't so adept died, either by exposure, with a bullet in their stomachs or the lucky ones took their own lives.

Me… I bided my time and I knew what I was going to do. I had managed to smuggle a list of the each camp official and their home addresses into my bunk. Once I got out; I was going to get each one of them. Kill their wives, their children, their fathers, their mothers, their brothers, their sisters. There were fifty of them and I visualized the carnage I would unleash again and again. The streets would run red with their 'pureblood' ; that DNA they fought so hard to preserve and 'purify' would spill into the gutters.

In 5 months; the inferno of vengeance in my soul died; I witnessed more tortures, bizarre medical experiments, 'scientific' rituals, the Nagas at the height of their insane delusions believed that they could 'create' God and we became scientific experiments. I saw my comrades become guinea pigs and come out as hideously misshaped and grotesque apparitions, I saw them being driven insane by the nature of these experiments.

I saw one comrade implode.

And yet the Nagas lived and partied and laughed.

That was when vengeance became a dull ache and then a wispy memory. I became a zombie, there were only 60 of us left with no hope for the future. I do not know why I didn't take my own life those remaining hellish days. I have no idea what I was doing in the barn and why I was unconscious. I was a free man now , but what was there to look forward to? Why did I suffer so?

I realized I hadn't blinked for four minutes. The world was empty for me;

I started walking towards what I believed was the ridge.

There was no honor in my final walk. My head was down, my feet shuffled, my shoulders stooped and my arms were slack. I passed a field, flowers blossomed, but to me they had no color, no charm. Their smell was artificial to me and their sickly sweet odor that was somehow noxious, I couldn't care. I walked

A couple of minutes later I came upon something that froze me in my tracks.

Lying with his back to a tree, busily tapping into his PDA device was the Captain himself.

It couldn't be??? But there he was, I would never forget the steel gray eyes, the face that looked like a skull that had been seran wrapped with skin. The intelligence in those eyes not betraying a hint of the insanity that existed… It had to exist… how else would this man signed orders that sent hundreds of begging and crying souls to their dooms. How else could he authorize the 'specialized' tortures and the mass 'flaming' cleansings. He was different, he never laughed like the other guards, he never smiled. Without any emotion he picked out the ones that were to die … slowly. He did not stop the guards and their sadistic actions, to him we were roaches… the 'Shudras'…. The untouchables.

And this man was alive, his Naga uniform was blood stained and next to him lay a Tercer Assault rifle he seemed oblivious to my presence. His brows were furrowed in concentration while he examined the PDA

Something sparked in me.

Without knowing quite what I was doing, I looked around for an object…. Any object that I could use as a weapon .. There was none. He was less than 30 feet from me.

I walked silently, my shoulders and spine straightened. I expected him to hear me somehow, but I felt powerful, immortal in spite of my highly weakened state. It must be madness… well fuck it!.. I kept walking , I was barely three feet away from him. When he turned.

His eyes registered surprise and with one quick movement he grabbed the rifle with one hand while dropping the pda with the other.

Calmly…….I felt like I was moving in slow motion…….. I stepped on the assault rifle and pinned it down. Being in an awkward position that he was, there was no room for him to maneuver, I laced my fingers together and drove it into his throat.

He fell back choking and wheezing; I followed the thrust with a kick that took most of his nose off and damaged his pretty face. There was a lot of blood.

I picked up the assault rifle and aimed ; waited for a second and shot him on both knee caps.

He screamed… an unearthly piercing yowl. Satisfied that he was not much of a threat I looked around and picked up the PDA and put into my over coat pocket. I waited for him to stop screaming; he eventually did and we looked at each other. Master and Captor, he did not recognize who I was… but he knew 'what' I was and where I came from.

Both of us looked at each other unblinking for what seemed like 5 minutes. It had started raining.

There was nothing to say, what words would suffice for this moment. I did not know what to do with this man or why I had crippled him so. I should feel angry, I should have felt rage.. A couple of months back I was prepared to kill entire families of this cursed coalition.

But now I didn't feel anything, I did not want to kill this man. What would be the purpose of killing him ? What would it achieve?

A shadow of confusion passed through his face; he was expecting death and was wondering why it had not visited him yet. I walked away; the assault rifle by my side.

And then I remembered my people; the thousands of staunch men, crying women, confused children and resigned elders who had perished. I had always wondered whether there was a meaning to their suffering ? That meaning had escaped me the day Sasha and my parents were carried away.

But they deserved Justice... An alien word to me and one that I haven't conjured up for many years. Vengeance was a familiar companion, vengeance was finding some gasoline and setting the man on fire or devising some other method of his slow death.

But no.. Justice… For the innocents that had died in Sepuika bay all in the name of 'cleansing'. There was no anger in me, no sadness, no emotion and this was the best state to make decisions. I have never felt this clear headed in all my life.

For all of them.

I walked back now to the Captain; with a purpose. He must have seen the expression or lack thereof in my face. And for a moment through the pain, the monster's face betrayed what might have been regret.

I walked behind him, aimed for the back of his head and pulled the trigger.

His 'pureblood' sprayed over my untouchable body.

I turned around and walked to my original destination, satisfied that my life's purpose had been achieved , something had destined him to be in my path and I had carried it out. There was nothing left for me anymore.

I walked closer , it was sundown and it had stopped raining.

The air seemed clean somehow; fresh. I shook my head to push away any conflicting thoughts.

And then it happened.

The sun came out the clouds; it was majestic in all its brilliance. The formation of the clouds was such that the rays shone through in a dazzling amber light .. Enveloping me in its arms…. His arms

The Arms of the Almighty and they had a message.

Standing there on the hill, with the hood of my overcoat over my head and within seconds of ending my life, an act of nature had stopped me. The brilliance and the beauty of what I saw flooded through me when I had my epiphany … I believed that my purpose was over… my meaning in life fulfilled by killing the captain, that Rakshasa.

But no; the magnanimity of the spectacle I saw whispered to me that there was something bigger out there for me. Something that gave meaning to the deaths of Sasha, my parents, my friends … my comrades. Something that qualified me for a bigger task ahead. My life was never mine to take; There was a higher power and I would not understand his ways but he had a message for me...

The PDA beeped.

I picked up the PDA and looked through the mini feed in it. The Shakti coalition had pierced the western front and there were 45 more 'secret' camps out there, their GPS co-ordinates all laid out in the pda. It took me a while to grasp the enormity of what I was seeing in my hand. No doubt the captain was looking to escape to the next closest camp. I knew if I could get in touch with somebody from the Shakti coalition and give them the coordinates we would be able to liberate those camps and their survivors.

We would have to build for a better tomorrow; I was determined to do so. The only way what we went through made sense was because we were only thinking about ourselves, the present generation. The pains and agonies so many of us suffered was so the future for our people, our children could be assured. Never again will we allow for such an event to happen to our people … ever. We had to earn this security from the lessons learned …. For the future……….

For the child that Sasha and I had were going to have.

I walked away from the ridge and found the path. I put the PDA in my pocket, cocked the rifle and walked towards the setting sun. Towards the arms of God...

The Journey of Viktor Frankl: Man's search of meaning in the 21st century

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” - Viktor Frankl

When we look back to the last 10 decades and ponder about that one cataclysmic event where mass 'genocide' took place; most people I know immediately comes up with the answer 'The Holocaust', an event where millions of people suffered loss of life, family and possessions. The most unimaginable cruelties where imposed on men, women and children and humanity still looks back and wonders about the two categories of individuals who were players in the event: The victims and the aggressors. How do people suffer so and how can one human being impose such suffering on another ?

Viktor Frankl is a Jewish psychiatrist who was sent to a concentration camp and lost his entire family in the holocaust with the exception of his sister. There he suffered unimaginable tortures and bore witness to many more; instead of losing hope however, he used the experiences and events he witnessed to come up with his theories of the human psyche and explain the actions and mental states of those people who survived or made a difference even under the harshest of conditions. He attributes this goal as the reason he survived the holocaust. He gives us an account of his experiences in the Stellar work; "Man's search for meaning"

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.” - Viktor Frankl

The branch of psychiatry that Frankl pioneered explains that most on man's neuroses and conditions are a result of the "lack of meaning" in his/her life. He uses the example of the 'Sunday neuroses' to explain his theory, the 'sinking feeling' most people get on sundays when they are relatively free of most work and get the blue's thinking about the week ahead or just from laying around inactive. He reasons that we are not powered by our instincts or drives, rather our primary motivation is to find a "meaning to our lives" ; How many of us can foresee ourselves lying on our deathbeds wishing we had more 'fun' or more 'pleasure' , More often than not most of people's underlying wants and needs are because they cannot rationalize what their existence on earth means, they are afraid of death because death means the termination of their soul on this earth without leaving any lasting legacy! They hate suffering because they cannot grasp the reason why suffering is imposed upon them. Making sense of prevailing crisis's results in the questions many human beings struggle with and more often than not some tend to take actions which in retrospect to themselves are not in sync with what they truly want "their innermost values or principles"

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how " - Friedrich Nietzche


Viktor Frankl argues that man should not ask life what his existence in this planet means, but recognize that it is he indeed who is asked BY LIFE and the burden of responsibility falls on his shoulders. Indeed the phrase "God helps those who help themselves" has stronger connotations than that which is initially apparent. It is when we recognize that our existence in this planet is for a purpose great than 'OURSELVES' do things make sense to us. But this is were Frankl comes up with his most important observation that is relevant to us in this world.

"The meaning of life always changes, but it never ceases to be " - Viktor Frankl

We are a society confronted with change in every sense of the word. Change is very much like an organic entity; its tendrils weaving itself into every sphere of our life. Frankl observes that we can still find a purpose in our lives by three avenues

1) Creating a work or doing a deed
2) By experiencing something or encountering someone
3) By the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering

Think of an event like 9/11 that resulted in soldiers went to foreign lands to fight for what they believed in; firefighters that gave up their lives and families, the inspired works of creative art (books, poems and movies) that were published and resonated with us 8 years after the event.

We then remember that each of us are unique; physically, mentally and even culturally. It is God's gift to us we take this uniqueness and make our existence in this world mean something to someone else. Self actualization should not be a goal in itself but rather a natural by product of our actions; too often life gives us clues that what we yearn for comes to us when we are not actively searching for it . Indeed self gratifying rewards are a by product of actions for a cause greater then the object of our yearning. It is also a testament to the uniqueness of each of us as individual human beings and the strength of our survival in this era.

The Craving

What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little.”
Lord Byron (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)

“Fame is a bee. / It has a song / It has a sting / Ah, too, it has a wing.”
Emily Dickinson (American Poet who has been called the New England mystic, 1830-1886)

If you come to fame not understanding who you are, it will define who you are.”
Oprah Winfrey (American television personality, Actress and Producer, b.1954)


Three generations of quotes about fame, each insightful in its own little way. “But what does fame have to do with Maximum Human Potential and my own life? “ You ask. “I’m not famous”

The quest for fame is internalized in a human being when,For e.g he buys a Lamborghini because he craves the attention he gets from it. Not because it’s his way of GENUINELY rewarding himself for his success born out of HARD WORK and his way of showing RESPECT TO HIMSELF/HERSELF for his/her ACTIONS.

The quest for fame encompasses many of a human’s internal defects on the quest to evolve or achieve happiness. A ‘bad boy rocker’ who associates the articles on his drug habits and womanizing ways with the attention he gets from other people is .... for all his apparent arrogance … putting his SELF ESTEEM and therby his character in the hands of those millions that seek to know more about his life. A consequence is that sometimes his music that he devoted endless hours in his parent’s garage perfecting suffers too and take a backstage to his fame.

A controversial celebrity example might be the relatively respectful attention the public gives to the ‘Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie’ team. A duo who seem to love their profession and devotes attention to causes that are not ‘themselves’ including raising an international brood from impoverished nations and social activism. Although their social activities generate considerably less interest than the curiousity to the ‘super baby’ the ‘genetically gifted duo’ brought into the world. They conversely are referred to with more ‘respect’ than a Paris Hilton or as of late Britney Spears.

We are all ‘dopamine addicts’. The ‘rush’ we feel when we get a promotion/trophy (bf/gf)/ flashy car and gives us elevated status or ‘fame’ in our organisation/peer group/family and addicted to that rush we start to associate these to the strength of our character.
Addicted we crave bigger and better versions of these to protect our fragile inner selves that siphon its strength from the fuel of other people’s energies. But like the principle of weight lifting aptly show’s us “For bigger muscles, you need more weights/protein/carbs etc”
The point is that during this process (when fame becomes the foundation of our life) we are not happy. We instinctively know that the secrets to happiness are PRINCIPLES. Correct Principles that prophets strived to instill in us, our parents (depending on their own strength of character) passed on or tried to beat in to us. The folk who say that all individuals are essential born good tend to be mostly correct. The principles of happy and effective living are ingrained to our very body and soul.

I’ll detail in the upcoming blogs what these principles are. But think back to that sinking feeling you got whenever you indulged in an action that you KNEW without any doubt was not in tandem with these principles and try to figure out what those correct principles you knew for most of your adult life are.

The Calling

"When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bounds. Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new great and wonderful world."

'THE YOGA SUTRAS OF PATANJALI'

It is not uncommon to find many people early on in their life who complain about a feeling of emptiness in the depths of their body. A void that yearns to be filled but goes throughout life empty, a black hole that breaks down all their material solutions into pockets of emotion that flash and die out within nanoseconds and leaving the soul as ravenous as before.

The more enterprising folk, take a cue from other people who seem to have it all and look for visual cues to that persons happiness. Their senses programmed to find the most appealing cues centre upon the most visible ones. For e.g. He has an Aston martin which means he's rich, hence he's happy because he's rich. He's rich because he's in a senior position at the firm, which means he is extremely intelligent or kisses the CEO's ass or is lucky……. She's so lucky because she has a boyfriend, hence she's happy and is doing well at work, studies etc. I need to find me a boyfriend to succeed and will henceforth invest all my time and energy into it. Hence we spend our entire time looking for avenues to happiness ….. Focusing on material goods or fragile human relationships as the centre of our existence not aware that they are servants to the machinations of entropy i.e. they break down and leave us in the lurch.

And hence that void still exists and its presence is as strong as ever. It gives out stronger messages of its presence that manifests itself in maladies such as chronic Depression, stress etc. It is our soul's way of telling us we are diverging from our path and what we are meant to be in this world.

So what does this Soul want? The answer is actually simple, a cause… a mission… something that you yearn to serve or contribute to and does not put you in the centre of things, in other words 'you were mean to serve others or a higher cause'.

But doesn't this higher cause mean you can't attain fulfillment until it's over, which for many great causes is takes more than one lifetime The answer is a definite NO: The actions you take towards fulfilling that mission and slowly attaining small goals gives you that satisfaction and makes the void smaller until its virtually non existent. Your very actions setup the foundation for that cause to evolve. E.g. Mahatma Gandhi could not eradicate violence from the world or even India. However he did succeed in gaining India independence and as such gave inspiration to the Civil Rights movement in the USA and the abolishment of Apartheid in South Africa.

And this is where the Paradigm shift makes its play. Once you step into that room, sit back, relax and look deep into yourself and discover the cause you're committed to (your mission in life), your whole perspective of the world changes. You look for work and/or education that ties with your mission and actually look forward to that 8 hrs a day. Financial and Relationship (or lack of) issues take a backseat as you strive to serve that great cause and you enjoy the process. Paradoxically many people find that the things they thought mattered in life come to them unannounced (wealth, fame etc) and they might accept it but they know that they can thrive without it.

Their perspective on relationships change, Relationships become something that is nurturing, something that seamlessly blends with their calling in life. This results in them giving respect to their partners own mission and not stifling them by making their partners the centre of their life and giving them responsibility over their own self worth. However, at the end of the day they replenish themselves by indulging in these relationships.

The paradigm shift is important because it alters your view of things significantly. For example

If someone asked you to write a critique or analysis of the picture, you might write something about the two face's in the picture and what their mirror images represent or you might write something about the symmetry of the vase.

The point is that life too is like the picture above. Sometimes a paradigm shift can significantly alter the way you see and perceive everything in life. One example: you hate math since you were a kid, you didn't see the point. Let's say you or someone close to you got cancer, and you made it your life's mission to find a cure for the ailment, you find a possible cure and need to figure out how it affects a good number of people and to do that you need to do some statistical analysis (Math). Suddenly you find yourself driven to learn that branch of Mathematics because now that has a purpose and you see Math in a completely different light.

This paradigm shift is extremely crucial and occurs when you find your calling in life. Money, Possessions and relationships suddenly cease to be so important.

The New Human

A debate, that most people agree, comes up at least once in their lives is the existential question of "What was/is/will be the meaning and purpose of my role in this phenomenon called life"?

This topic has been addressed by numerous individuals, and the answers themselves tend to be pretty insightful …… From James Dean Quotes of "Live as if you'll die today" types to serve God, Family, and Organization; the list is numerous and each answer is hotly contested.

After a lot of searching and sometimes some funny avenues of observation (I once looked for hours at a solitary tree inspired no doubt by the infamous "bag scene" in American Beauty). I ended up clueless and more than a little frustrated. But from incorporating research in humans and their motivations, lots of active reading of the most highly regarded and most popular Self Help Gurus out there and using my own life so far as an example I came upon a set of conclusions that I want to share. As the lessons are huge I'll break each lesson post by post.

Since I haven't devised a structure yet, I'll ramble in this post and hopefully I'll make sense to the reader.

Couple of years ago, my boss, mentor and close friend once handed me a book that had caught my eye, it was Wayne Dyers "Erogenous Zones" and its synopsis on the topic of human potential and escaping negative thinking aroused my interest, I read the book from cover to cover fascinated by the insights the book offered. My growing years in Qatar and my culture placed a lot of emphasis on OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS. A constant question when a topic came up was "How will other people react", this line of thinking had a role in almost every decision I made during my adolescent years especially. It didn't help that living in a country where Racial and Religious discrimination was common also led to a tendency to make decisions of no value to the self.

Dyer explained a concept that at first reading was viewed by me as extremely blasphemous, what I took from the book was "you have a right to live life as you should and all those restrictions that family, peers and society place on you are baseless". To me it meant that everything my family told me had no value and I should live life as I want and of course I interpreted this as lets indulge in all sorts of excesses. I half believed that my family was a bad influence, this resulted in me blaming my parents, my society etc for all my perceived 'shortcomings' (now I term them less developed skills).

One of the defining factors in my 4 years of undergraduate study was my role as a Resident Advisor……. At first I was motivated by the power and perks the role would give me and in the beginning acquired a reputation for being a hard ass (which I enjoyed), I approached delinquents in the dorms with the mindset of 'Enforcer Supremo' attempting to intimidate the residents to do my bidding and this of course resulted in hostility from many quarters and no real appreciation from my peers and superiors as the death threats against me caused them some concern. But the power was a aphrodisiac and the diligent weight lifting I had and the subsequent change in the shape and structure of my body also played a factor In how I saw myself and my colleagues saw me. I was not concerned much about the other part of my role "educational & community development" as I had approached the job with the mindset of feeding my ego (I wasn't aware of this then).

But my inner compass and my own values were pretty strong and quietly exerted their influence as the year went by and I switched bosses and areas of responsibility, my 'Machoman' mindset was replaced by values of genuine care for my residents and interest in their well being along with my thirst of knowledge of other cultures and communities. My second year charges were U.S Army officers, Crew Team, Science Fiction and Techies and Sports teams and a few sororities.

I am a fan of instant results (a topic that plays a big role in today's world) and greeted each of the 70 residents with genuine friendliness, some responded positively and some were more guarded. But I took the visits to get an idea of their surroundings and subsequently their personalities. I identified what type of people they were and when needed attempted to have programs that they would like.

The endless formalities of the job became a deadline oriented exercise, but whenever trouble came up I never hesitated to play my part even if it was 3:00 a.m in the morning. If security knocked on the door and told me there was a problem I would go along with them and deal with the issue and although this again resulted in ill feelings towards me I didn't care much because that's how I valued rules and regulations. But the difference this time was THAT I DID IT BECAUSE I SUPPORTED THE REASONS BEHIND IT AND TO PROTECT THE AREAS CHARGES AND MY FELLOW COLLEAGUES NOT BECAUSE MY EGO NEEDED NOURISHMENT and this helped me not to care about the hostility of those who resented me shutting down their good times and thus I approached the incidents in a manner different to how I approached them in my first year.

And here is the point I'm coming to……… I started receiving compliments, commendations and a large amount of respect from my peers, supervisors, security and residents. Friends of mine who lived off campus always treated me with considerable respect if they interpreted the stories about me positively (a majority of them did), and the ironical part was I NEVER ATTEMPTED TO WIN THEIR APPROVAL AND RESPECT. All I did was adhere to my own underlying principles with a view of the bigger picture (the welfare of my Residents to sum it up simply) the job I was hired to do as opposed to how I approached the job with my own interests of a need to prove my toughness and using my power. By the time I was done I was nominated twice and awarded "Best Resident Adviser of the year" a title that I never made a conscious focus to achieve (or for that matter knew existed)

This experience told me much about the importance of FOUNDATIONS and THE PATIENCE FOR RESULTS. The answers to the questions of How to achieve Success have been with us for MILLENIA and are encoded into our conscious selves through long standing institutions such as community, Family, Churches and Holy men. The reasons behind their misinterpretation and the negativity associated with them are due to a temporary inability failure to grasp the concepts of WHY these rules and principles were set in the first place. For e.g.: You are 11 years old and your mother yells at you for not doing your homework as scheduled at 5. She is facing her own problems and although the importance of homework is one that should be emphasized to all children, her method of communication is in a large part influenced by her emotional state and you as a young child are yet not mature enough to grasp the reason behind her yelling, so now you doing your homework is really a way of REACTING and a survival mechanism motivated by FEAR to protect yourself from the unpleasant mental effects of your mother's own turmoil. And soon through a neurolinguistic process called anchoring you subconsciously associate homework with unpleasant feelings.

The reason the self help market is so popular is that we are given, what we see as answers to our problems (Career Confusion, Financial Security, Job Security, Anxiety, Depression, Relationships), are in these books. They give us messages that MOST OF US ALREADY KNOW, but our life experiences have become the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle: Understanding the WHY of the advice (PARADIGMS),hence we can closely identify with what the experts tell us (you now understand why homework is important and the importance of learning). Even then many associated problems can significantly alter the messages of the book (or any other media) in our brains. For e.g. a narcissist can interpret the oft mentioned "Live as if you'll die today" statement as justification to go on a relentless quest of excesses or a lifestyle of hedonism. He reads the book once and then relentlessly pursues the 'path of least restraint' and might achieve short term happiness until he loses his job, money, family or health. Whereas the actual message might have been closer to Work Hard, Play hard and make enjoy both activities so that you're happy.

LAZINESS is mankind's biggest enemy, have you seen a person with bad eating habits and health (obesity) stock up on books about exercise and diet but his motivation is short lived after the book and its suggestions loses its 'new toy' status as it takes discipline, hard work and patience (3 oft quoted words) to achieve the results. Discipline is ONE of the important factors for success. He/She then continues with bad habits till the next NEW book or Celebrity endorsement comes along.

In contrast Those busy folk who DO lose weight and KEEP it off do so by using the lessons from the book as FOUNDATIONS (which entails reading between the lines) and THE PATIENCE FOR RESULTS (Making this aspect a part but not the centre of your life) and the strength to do this comes from finding and identifying your inner values and principles and using these books AS A TOOL not as a MOTIVATOR, motivation should come from inside and trust me if you reread the same book again you might be surprised to find new insights.

The Mumbai Mask

In the quest for my uncle's definition of "real Tandoori Chicken" the two of us went to a locality that can lay some claim some to elevating this popular dish to dizzying Gastronomical heights. He chose to make the trip via auto rickshaw--- a rickety mechanical contraption that can maneuver along the tightest of spaces with remarkable agility.... in spite of its clunky appearance.



To know what Mumbai is like you need to spend a day just walking around certain areas without any expectations ... Forget about the 5 star hotels and the India gate attractions regularly advertised in the travel brochures. All you have to do is go out looking without really looking.



As the humidity made its presence known by the sweat running down my chest.... I took a moment to take Mumbai in all its raw vulgarity and beauty. Ordered Chaos is the best way to describe the scene….Several times I could have sworn that



a) I was going to get hit by the numerous automobiles in the clogged and congested roads

b) Have my head gashed by a passing truck whose load of pipes came a little too close to the rickshaw or

c) Become a victim of our own rickshaw drivers' split second decisions to make quick turns sans a signal!

Compared to the traffic I know in the States, I would no doubt term my trip as consisting of more than one near close encounter… however based on what I know of Mumbai I knew this was an everyday thing and no big deal.



The teeming millions that live in this city converge to form a single entity that pulses and throbs in spite of the enormous differences in Religion, Caste, Color, Sex and even nationality! We got down in the 'Sindhi Camp' a huge area consisting of a sprawl of shops that sell EVERYTHING. And I'm not just saying that… from Fresh Roasted spicy Corn on the Cob to the latest model of Nokia phone's, you name it and there is someone selling it. 'Sindhi Camp' is so named as it had its roots as a refugee camp during the Partition of India in 1947 and was settled down predominantly by Sindhi's… a community that is known for producing sharp business folk. The result of their settlement was this limb of the urban medusa that is Mumbai; An area consisting of hundreds of shops of varying sizes and condition; elegant marble floors and spotless glass doors sharing space with cramped narrow lanes and run down walls.



As we cut through the crowds I followed my uncle to this fabled Tandoor place, I looked around at the people that went by me and those 15 mins gave me a refresher course on the people that make Mumbai…'Mumbai' . Skin colors that ranged from the Charcoal Black to Creamy pink, Clothes that ranged from rags to Denims and Tommy Hilfiger, Languages ….. So many languages and dialects… Predominantly Hindi and Marathi followed by English, Tamil, Malayalam etc. Women who wore Denim coupled with Belly Baring Halter tops sharing walking space with Women from poorer sections of society who wear their Sari "Fisherwoman Style" (a fold of the sari is wrapped between their thighsto convert the 'skirt' portion of the Sari into pant legs) hence allowing for freedom of movement and even some women sporting a Burqa. Exquisite women with model looks and an amazing sense of dress and poise maintaining their composure and preserving their expensive shoes by instinctively stepping around random scraps of rubbish and muck and if needed haggling like seasoned Grandmothers with vegetable vendors, Young men driving bikes with remarkable ease while zigzagging between cars, rickshaws, buses, Cows, people and always within a hairbreadth of hitting something or someone. Suddenly I feel a weird energy in the air…. Probably caused by the sudden change in pace of sections of the hordes. Some stopping, some running…. Then, a piercing whistle followed by many others shatters the air and changes the momentum of Sindhi Market. Unlicensed Street Hawkers, in practiced swoops, gather their wares and make attempts (some unsuccessful) to dodge Mumbai's finest as they in turn swoop in to arrest those who do not possess the necessary paperwork. It was like watching a net close down as several khaki-colored plain clothes men appeared out of nowhere to catch those hawkers who could not afford a license. In spite of the excitement generated I saw many passerbies keep moving as if this was nothing new. All the signs on the shops were in English … ALL of THEM, albeit with gross misspellings.



Finally we found the place , there was no visible sign; But the luscious aromas of the tandoori masala and the sight of 5 skinned and skewered chicken, red with the masala marinade , displayed on the front stall of the restaurant like Victoria's secret mannequins to hint at better things inside told us we were at our destination. As a self declared connoisseur of Tandoori chicken, having tasted it all over the globe, something told me even before I had consumed one that this was something special! The shabbiness of the restaurant and the dismal settings contrasted heavily with the care and method with which the cook (clad only in a vest and pajama) prepared the chicken and proceeded to send it into the specialized Tandoor grill, where it roasted. Many people, with the characteristic impatience of mumbaikaars (residents of Mumbai), barged into the already crowded restaurant and howled loud about the misery that Mother time had imposed on their schedules and how only some of the shop's tandoori chicken would ease their suffering. The cook politely but firmly refused even the most dire of threats, responding only with a "Chicken Theek Nahi Hain" (The chickens not right); Only when he was satisfied that the chicken had transformed into a red, tender piece of flesh that would melt in the mouth would he wrap them into foil and make sure that the customers get what they paid for. We were privy to such service.



As we left to take a shortcut through a gigantic overpass in construction and call a rickshaw home. I took in the scene under the overpass. One of the things that certainly are IN YOUR FACE in Mumbai is the abject poverty that is a part of its legend: Flashes of women in ragged clothes clutching their babies, skinny filthy men sleeping on the footpath oblivious to the teeming thousands that stepped around or over them, naked babies crawling around in places that no infant should. A portion of the slums suddenly crept over us as we dodged a passing jeep and we entered another world. As I peered through the ramshackle accommodations that made up the mini slum, I saw entire families crouched under a roof that was made up of scrap sheets of tin and set in place with wooden sticks, They were no bigger than my bathroom in my apartment in Florida and were enveloped with dirty tarps to keep the rains away and offer some vestige of privacy, Nevertheless, as I expected, I saw the resident of many such places intently watching a cricket match on a shiny 21 inch TV (Mumbaikaars take their entertainment seriously!)



However, things turned darker as we boarded the rickshaw to go home. We were caught in traffic where many poor children of ages ranging from 3-7 proceeded to go from vehicle to vehicle clutching infants and begging. My uncle, a mumbaikaar for life, shook his head at each of the 8 that approached us.



There were no expressions on their faces, they would come and look at us and extend a hand out, some of the kids with faces like angels and bright shiny eyes full of hunger of varying types but also a eerie resignation to their condition, their faces covered with mud and grime and their clothes dusty and in tatters. Nevertheless, as I followed my uncle's example in refusing them alms, they silently moved on to the next vehicle without much begging, mechanically looking for the next contribution that might either help feed a couple of extra mouths or contribute to nefarious objectives.



I knew my uncle was not selfish in his refusal. He sees this everyday of his life and he is resigned to the fact that the small donations here will not make the problem go away. He knows that the money might be used to feed families or assist the drinking or whoring habits of the child's custodians. It took me many trips to Mumbai and greater levels of maturity to see this perspective as I've seen my dad give out loose change to the kids at one time and refuse others whose plight would serve to ruin my day out.



As we got back to the comfortable surroundings of my Mumbai home I notice the shiny texture of my face and that of my uncles, looking around I see everyone has that same shininess (even the women glow with a weird sheen enveloping their bodies). The sweat, grime, smoke combine to create a mask that everyone carries with them when they venture out of the streets of Mumbai. I saw a Caucasian lady with her 5 year old kid, maneuvering around the crowds with a practiced ease and light step, she was no doubt a more ingrained part of Mumbai than I was by the way she casually walked forward with the child oblivious to the distractions posed by raw sights and sounds of the Monster that is Mumbai.



I scrubbed the 'mumbai mask' off with some of my Grandmothers 'Lux Beauty soap' at home. And as I look in the bathroom mirror at my skin, raw from the scrub, and smell the aromas of the food we collected being set on the dining table; I can't help but wonder if that mask is part of a bigger cover, something that keeps people going 'in the financial hub' of India. For I know when I bit into that piece of chicken that was responsible for the quest, the blank faces of those 8 children and their Silent pleas for alms tethered on the edge of my mind and almost made me ruin something I was looking forward to experiencing with my family.



Maybe that mask is symbolic of Mumbai's way of protecting us against its Medusa like nature but with a twist, turning us into stone to prevent our minds from being overwhelmed as we look deep into her eyes and witness the despair that human beings can be subject to. Each of us have our own shares of problems and responsibilities, we also have callings or missions in life that we consciously and unconsciously seek out. Some of us find it while many others don't. Some of us are young and are going through a 'boot camp for life' by working on getting our personal lives in order and thus preparing us for the harsher trials and tribulations that we will face when we identify and take up our roles in making the world a better place. As Abraham Maslow states in his "Hierarchy of needs" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs, the self actualizing person transcends all the basic levels of shelter, hunger, love, sex, attention and affection when he has satisfied each of those needs or delegated them to levels where they are not worthy of his effort.



We can't help bring out change in the world if we can't bring out change in ourselves if needed.

The Beginning

Throughout the years i've been on a learning spree to determine what it takes to become a well rounded perfect individual, I read a lot and had life experiences of mine and others to reflect upon. Through the last two years i've learned a lot about how important the 'Character ethic' as compared to the 'Personality' ethic, the secrets of happiness and fulfillment and how many of our actions have their base on the negative consequences of other people's ideals.

The existence of this blog itself is an exercise is self improvement for me and i'm looking forward to hearing from others with regards to their life experiences and how they overcome obstacles.

As so it starts............